"That's more appropriate for you now" he said in disgust. How could I ever explain this? How could I ever face them again after I was caught?

"The doctor will see you now" said the receptionist. I wished I was a real girl like her. Then none of this would ever have been a problem. If only I had been born female!

We went in, and met Dr. Manning. He was kind and gentle, and didn't treat me like a freak or anything.

"I need to talk to him alone. Will you please go outside and wait for us?" he said.

My parents got up and left the room.

"Now Nick, or do you prefer Nichole?" he said.

"Nick is fine" I replied.

"Tell me, how long have you been dressing up?"

He said it in a way like it wasn't wrong or a crime. It was just a fact.

"A few months" I replied.

"What got you started?"

I told him.

"Nick, do you like boys?"

"No! I like girls" I said defensively.

"Its ok, you don't have to lie to me. Just tell me that you like boys."

"I'm sorry doctor, but I don't. I only want girls."

"But you're trying to become a girl, aren't you Nick. That's what you really want, isn't it? To be a girl?"

"No!"

"Just tell me that you want to be a girl. Its all right. I won't be upset that you want to be a girl that likes boys."

"No!" I protested again.

"Well see Nick. I think you're holding back from me. I am going to give you a test. Fill in all of the answers honestly. I'll be back in a few minutes to pick it up."

The test was stupid, with some of the dumbest questions I had ever seen. How could they tell anything about me from this?

-Do you hate your father Y/N

-I like art museums Y/N

-Brown is a nice color Y/N

-If I had a career as a teacher, I'd be happy Y/N

On and on it went. I filled in the little boxes with my #2 pencil. Soon after I was done, the doctor returned. He put the form through the scanner, then checked his computer.

"Hmmmm, just as I suspected" he said.

"What?" asked dad, impatiently.

"I suspected that your son suffers from a syndrome where he feels guilt because he was not born as a woman. In his heart, he knows that he should have been female, but he was mistakenly born into a boy's body. That is why he is trying so hard to feminize himself. He really wants to be a girl."

They both looked at me funny. It wasn't true though!

"Further, he has now entered puberty where his body will start to change. The longer you wait to begin the treatment, the harder it will be for him later on. I recommend that he starts on the full program we discussed while he was taking the test."

"What did that test prove? It was stupid" I said.

"Oh on the contrary. It was very revealing. Listen Nick, on some questions there is a very high correlation between gender and the answer. On questions where there was a high percentage of women who gave one answer, you had a 97.8 correlation."

"What does that mean?" asked mom.

"That he answered the questions like a girl" said dad.

Dr. Manning nodded.

"In addition, on questions where there was a high male correlation, he only scored 7.2%"

"So he didn't answer questions like a boy, hardly at all?" asked mom.

"Precisely. His mind is that of a girl. That is why he is reacting to his body changing, by trying to act and dress more and more like a girl."

"But I'm not! I like girls! I want to date girls!" I said, unable to be quiet any longer.

"Tell me Nick, when you're dressed up like that, have you ever imagined making love to a woman?"

"No" I said.

"Have you ever wished that you were a real woman?"

I nodded. I did that when I saw his receptionist.

"Have you ever dated a real girl?"

"No."

"So lets get this straight. You don't date girls, you don't imagine making love to them when you dress up, and you wish that you really were a girl. Nick, you're fooling yourself if you keep thinking that you want girls. You just want to *be* them, don't you?"

I thought about it.

"You want to *be* a girl Nick. It's all right, you can tell me. Your parents will be supportive of you either way. They love you very much. Now tell me, do you want to be a girl?"

I didn't really know, but I felt pressured to say something, so I nodded, then started to cry.

"See" said dad in disgust, "just like a girl."

He got up and left the room. I sobbed.

"There there Nichole" said mom. "The doctor will help you. He's going to send you to a clinic for a while, then you can come back to us. We love you very much, and can't wait for you to come home. We'll convert your room and have a whole new wardrobe waiting for you when you get back. Be a good girl" she said, giving me a kiss. I looked up to her with love as the tears continued to well up in my eyes.

After I cleaned up in the bathroom, I said good bye again to mom and dad. I was headed to some clinic, and I was more confused than I had ever been in all my life. I didn't really want to be a girl. But he said that I was about to become one.

* * *

I arrived at the clinic, dressed up as a girl. My mother gave me a suitcase, but I didn't look inside it until I went to unpack in my new room. There were two beds, but there was no roommate for me yet. I put the suitcase on the bed, and started to unpack.

I became excited as I saw the contents. It was full of girl's clothes. There were panties, bras, dresses, skirts, blouses, frilly things, hair care items, makeup, curling iron, nail polish, and lots of other things. Wow! I carefully hung everything up, and put away the rest in the dresser.

I had to report to the nurse's station for a complete physical. She weighed me, took my blood pressure, took a blood sample, poked me and prodded me. Then I was told to report to the head doctor. Dr. Greene gave me a tour of the clinic. All of the patients here were boys from 12 to 18 who were on their way to becoming girls. They had facilities for classes, medical areas, a gym, a spa, and lots of other things. It was really a nice place!

He took me back to his office and reviewed my chart. He called the nurse in, gave her some instructions, and told me to follow her. We went to an examining room, where she put an I.V. tube into my arm.

"This first day, we have to give you a whole bunch of injections. This will let us just poke you once. You can read Cosmo or Elle while the liquid drips in. If you feel any discomfort, just push this button, and we'll come see you."

"What are you giving me?" I asked.

"The first thing is a testosterone blocker. It will stop the effects that testosterone is having on your body. The second one is a naturally occurring substance in a male body, which converts testosterone to estrogen. That is why every man has a low level of estrogen already flowing through his veins. Third, this is an inhibitor which will shut down the production of testosterone completely in your body. So we will stop producing it, block its effects, and convert it into estrogen."

"Wow, all that?"

"Oh, and there is more. Other female hormones that your body is in need of. You won't feel anything for a few weeks, but they'll slowly begin to alter you. You have an X chromosome, just like we do, you know. All you need is the right chemical signals, and it will start to express itself."

"I never thought of that" I said.

"Oh yes. You will be surprised how much woman you have inside you already. We just free her here to come out. Oh and lets see, I've also administered a high dose of the hormones that you would find in birth control pills. We are going to fool your body into thinking it is pregnant, just like the pill does for real functioning women. That will trigger your body's own natural genetic code to do the same as it would to a pregnant woman."

"Like what?"

"Oh, make your breasts grow, gain weight in your hips and your butt, trigger your nurturing instincts, rearrange your brain so that you become attached to your baby, all that."

I didn't like the sounds of any of those!

Next, she pulled up my skirt, and then pulled down my panties. She applied a white cream to my male parts.

"You need to put this on every day. It will help shrink your male appendages, and will start to kill their cells immediately. With the hormones, your body will react to it by trying to create new female cells to take their place."

Lastly, she put a set of earphones on me.

"This tape has soothing music for you. Please don't take it off."

I liked the mellow music, and just let it blend into the background as I read my magazines. I was scared at what all the hormones were doing to my body, but after a few minutes, I was so engrossed with the reading that I hardly thought about it.

A few hours later, I went to bed. I was still the only one in my room. Perhaps I'd get a private room for the price of a shared one. What a deal.

I thought about my busy day. One thought stayed in my head as I drifted off to sleep: I'm glad I'm a girl now. I'm glad I'm a girl.

* * *

In the morning, I got up and dressed in my new female clothes. Instead of doing it in secret in my room, being terrified of being discovered, I was doing it to go out in public. It was so liberating to be able to dress as I wanted to, without pressure. Without fear. Without shame. I felt inside that I was expressing my true self.

I thought it was strange how after just one night here, I was suddenly confident that I was really a woman inside. I was opening up so quickly!

After breakfast (remembering to take my hormone pills with my orange juice), I went to my first class. It was on how to dress. I thought I already knew how to dress, but I was shocked at how much I was missing. From reading my sister's magazines, I knew some of the basics of fashion, but it was very complex, and I had no idea how low of a hemline was considered appropriate at a wedding vs. a birthday party. Or how high of a heel was appropriate for a dinner date vs. a dance party. What color of hose should I wear for a formal vs. a casual date? Or what shoes really go with what outfit.

I had so much to learn! I eagerly took notes, and I had an urge to go shopping so I would have a full closet of clothes to make more outfits from. And I only had a few pairs of shoes. I desperately wanted more!

Next, I went to a class that I didn't like the sounds of: "Dating Boys". I had only recently started dressing like a girl, and even though when I woke up this morning I discovered that I was a girl inside, I had never thought of being with a boy. I still wanted girls, even though I now felt like one (if that makes any sense). I guessed I must be a lesbian. I had no interest in boys. But they were making me take a class on dating them! I was doomed to flunk this one (I thought).

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