“认真什么？”

“认真做梅丽莎。”

“怎么说？”

“你准备一辈子做她吗？这是你想要的？还是想回去？”

“回去？为什么要回去？我以前很痛苦，现在很开心。我以前孤单，现在有朋友。”

“你以前是男的，现在是女的，”她说。

“是的，我喜欢这样。我绝不想回去。永远不！”

“那在这签。这是改名的法律文件。这里签旧名字，那里签新名字，再写上日期。有三份。”

我签了。我现在合法是梅丽莎。

“这是性别变更文件，让你的驾照上写‘女’，不违法。文件声明你目前有男性身体，但正在改变性别，打算彻底完成。”

我签了。让他们把那玩意儿切掉吧。我永远不会用它了。我希望自己真是个女孩，像她一样。至少现在我合法是了，填了三份文件。

“我住的城市有家诊所，圣诞购物时我们去那里做性别重置手术。”

“我等不及了，”我说，真心实意的。我想知道能不能给我真胸部。我厌倦了假体。我一直在用家用脱毛仪除脸部和身体毛发，希望他们有更好的激光技术，因为这个太慢太痛。

“现在你是合法的梅丽莎·柯林斯，可以签合伙协议了，一切合法，我问心无愧。”

我签了文件。我现在是合伙人，也是女人。

“很好。顺便说一句，我会让你妈妈增加剂量。”

“剂量？”我问。

“是的，你每天早上吃的雌激素药。我看你的皮肤已经更光滑了。加大剂量后，你的胸部应该会更快发育。我知道你一定讨厌假体。我们得乳腺癌的人要么用假体，要么做重建手术。”

“你有乳腺癌？”我比听到自己吃雌激素更震惊。

“是的，我们家族有这病史。等你有了真胸部，定期检查，别得这个病。”

“我保证，不会漏检，”我说。想到有一天会有自己的真胸部，我头晕目眩。

________________________________________

我和爱丽丝姑姑走在繁忙的街上，提着购物袋去车里。我们得先把挡风玻璃上的雪清理掉。这里的大城市购物太刺激了，有时尚的衣服和鞋子，不像家里得靠目录订购。

明天是我的大日子，我很兴奋。手术后，我会真正成为女人。增加的雌激素剂量（加上避孕药）正在改变我的身体。我的胸部虽小但在长。我从假体换到凝胶填充物，增强我自己的真胸部。冬天衣服宽松，我的曲线也开始显现。再过一年，我就会有梦想中的身材。

我等不及明天了！我写日记，记录了购物的快乐，试穿皮草大衣，走进有数百双可爱鞋子的店，感觉太棒了。明天会是最好的一天。之后，我就能穿比基尼、短裤和迷你裙。爸妈可能不喜欢我穿性感的衣服，但我想和别的女孩一样。我感受到同龄人的压力。

我在日记结尾写道：

明天是大日子。我激动得像圣诞前夜的孩子。明天我会收到最好的礼物，希望今晚能睡着。

此致，梅丽莎。

Melissa's Diary

by Jennifer White

I was excited. I was going to spend the summer up north, with my aunt Claire and my uncle Jack Collins. When I was young, I used to go up there all the time for vacations in the summer. My cousin Melissa taught me how to ride a horse, and I became very good at it.

My aunt and uncle owned a horse farm and stables, where they bred horses, housed them for other people, and gave riding lessons. Melissa was well known in the area as the best teacher, and I was lucky to have her teach me all my skills. I was just a young boy from the city, but I could ride with the best of them.

Melissa was older now, and I hadn't heard from her in years. You know how it is when you are close to a cousin, but when you grow up, you sometimes go out of touch. I hoped I could find out what she was doing, I really missed her. She was older than me, and I had really looked up to her. She was so popular, so good at everything. I was kind of a loner, and I admired how she could do things like walk into a room, and suddenly be like everyone's best friend. She was always going out with friends and on dates, while I was lonely.

So I thought that heading up there for the summer would be great. Perhaps in a new environment, I could learn from her, and start to make more friends myself.

* * *

I made the long drive on the interstate, then on the two lane state highway that seemed to go on forever, only interrupted by the small towns with their red lights and 25 mile per hour zones. But eventually, those became less frequent as I came to the northernmost reaches of the state.

The roads started to look familiar, and I was happy to know that not much had changed up here in the ten years it had been since I last visited. The town looked the same as it had back then. It was too small for Walmart or one of those places to have been built, upsetting the balance of the town. That meant that the small drugstore where Melissa and I had bought chocolate malts was still there, the old hardware store with the worn hardwood floors, the feed mill, the gas station which still had full service, and even the small flower shop with the 'Gone Fishing' sign were still there.

I went to the end of the street, to the flashing yellow light, took a left, and soon I was on the dirt road that led out to the farm. The trees along the fence line were taller than when I was last there, but otherwise, it looked exactly the same. I pulled up, and honked the horn.

Aunt Claire and Uncle Jack were waiting for me on the front porch, and we hugged and exchanged greetings. As usual, Aunt Claire had a nice meal ready for me, and we talked as we ate, catching up on everything going on in our lives.

"How's business?" I asked.

"Not so good" said Jack. "Since Melissa left, we're getting fewer and fewer people here to take riding lessons, and that means less horses in the stable, which means..."

"Which means that we're losing money this season" said Claire sadly. "That's why we wanted you to come up here. This could be the last year that we stay open. We might have to sell it off, and retire to Florida. We had hoped to keep it in the family, but..."

"What about Melissa? Wasn't she going to take it over?"

They suddenly became quiet. This was the first time I had mentioned her.

"We haven't heard from her since she went to Brazil. We'd like for her to be here with us, but she seems to care more about her work down there than us up here. I hope she contacts us soon. We really need her."

"Come on Claire, she cares about us. Remember she told us that it would be hard to communicate to us back home from the Amazon jungle?"

"Yes dear, but hasn't she gone to a city where they have phones?"

"Brazil? What is she doing there?" I asked.

"She went with the peace corps. for an internship. You know how she loved people, and the environment. This would be a chance to help both, so she went off on this damn fool of a trip, against our advice. Now she's been down there for two years, and we haven't heard from her. But she'll come home. I just know it."

"How about Grandma?" I said, changing the subject. "How's he doing?"

"Not so well. She just went into the hospital with a bad ticker. I think she's been heartbroken since Melissa left. She was her pride and joy, and she misses her. Now her heart is giving out."

"We'll have to go visit her" I said.

"That's a good idea. We'll go after dinner."

* * *

We went to St. Johns hospital to visit Grandma Bessy. She wasn't doing very well. It was sad to see this proud woman lying helpless on the bed, with a breathing tube in her nose, and I.V. bag dripping into her arm, and a heart monitor beeping along. Nurses came and went, and we could tell that she wasn't doing very well. She was having a hard time seeing and hearing now. We all knew that she wasn't long for this world. We brought her a bouquet of flowers to liven up the room, with its ugly medicinal and antiseptic smells. They brought some relief, but she would have preferred to be out in the country, with the open air blowing through the windows. That was where she belonged, not in some hospital bed in a semiprivate room.

The doctor took us aside when we were ready to leave.

"I'm afraid it doesn't look good. I give her 2-3 weeks to live if something drastic doesn't happen soon. There is nothing we can do but to wait and hope for the best."

We drove home in silence. We all sensed it, and the doctor just confirmed the bad news to us.

* * *

Back at home, it took a while, but we finally relaxed, and sat around the fireplace telling stories of the old days. I had forgotten just how cold it got at night up there, even in June. I didn't remember to bring a sweater, so Aunt Claire dug one up for me.

"Didn't Melissa used to wear that one?" I asked as I put it on. It was oversized and baggy, but it was warm, having been knitted by Grandma Bessy herself.

"Yes she did."

"I think I'll wear it to the hospital tomorrow. Bessy should get a kick out of it."

"Good idea."

We told old stories, about me and Melissa when I was younger, and just learning to ride a horse. They had a million stories about their beloved daughter, and I was content to listen to them, because of all the good memories they invoked, of the innocent days of my childhood spent up here.

"You have her eyes" said Aunt Claire.

"And the family nose!" I added. We all had similar facial features.

When it was finally time for bed, they showed me to my room. The 'guest' bedroom was being renovated, so they had me staying in Melissa's old room. I used her dresser for my clothes, since she was away and had taken many of hers. I hung up my slacks in her closet on extra hangers. I pushed her clothes to the side so mine wouldn't get mixed up with them.

I went to bed, and slept well with the cool country air coming in through the window with I had left open, just a crack. I was happy and contented.

* * *

I was eager in the morning to get up and get going. I wanted to ride a horse! I hadn't done it in years!

To someone who has never rode a horse before, you don't know the feeling of exhilaration of the wind going through your hair as you glide effortlessly over the green countryside. If you are a good rider, and your horse gets to know you well, you start acting like a team, and you almost don't even have to tell the horse what to do. Just a small lean to the side, and it knows to turn. You start to anticipate each other, and act as one. That is when riding becomes something more than just a fun activity, it is spiritual and effortless and even an emotional experience. Even for a city boy like me.

I found that Jackie, the horse I had ridden in the past had to be put down a couple of years ago, so I found myself on a new mount, named Suzanna. It would take a few weeks for us to really gain trust in each other, so I started out with just a slow walk, after feeding her some carrots and sugar cubes. I would work with her more and more each day, until we became close, like I had been with Jackie.

I came back in at noon for lunch, then helped with the chores. It was easier than when I had been there last, because I was bigger, and there were less horses to care for. It is a lot of work to have a horse, to groom them, shoe them, feed them, clean up after them, give them exercises, give them water, make sure they're healthy, and all the other little details. But it is fun too!

After dinner, we'd sit around, play cards, and tell stories again. I could tell that although they hadn't heard from Melissa in a long time, they loved her very much, and she was the most dear thing to their hearts. It was as if they lived through her, and retelling stories about her made them happy. So I sat back and listened.

We went to the hospital again that night, and I remembered to wear the sweater.

When I walked into the room, Grandma's eyes lit up.

"Melissa, is that you?" she said, her face looking alive for the first time since I had seen her.

"No Grandma, it's me, Hank" I said. She tried not to look disappointed, but you could see it in her face, and the way her body sagged.

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